My car and I

Well connected and autonomous in the here and now

A satire by Wolfgang Bittner.

In former times my car was an object of utility for me. I got in, had a certain destination and drove off. Sometimes I had to look at a city map or a geographical map on the way to not miss my destination. And if I got tired on longer journeys, I drank Coca-Cola or I drove to a parking lot and tried to get some sleep.

That’s all over now. Since I have owned my new premium class E-Spektra solosolar, everything has been completely different, almost exhilarating. When I want to go somewhere, I name my destination, make myself comfortable in the massage seat, listen to my favorite melodies and let myself be spoiled, especially on longer journeys, which I used to hate and have now learned to love.

Of course, I avoid the life-threatening highways, drive comfortably with the autonomous control on secondary roads and enjoy a cappuccino or latte macchiato. If I feel a little hungry on the way, I instruct the freezer to send a hamburger or hot dog to the microwave and a little later I am served the desired snack. Afterwards there is a cool beer, non-alcoholic of course. If I get tired, on the other hand, a freshly brewed coffee is the right thing. And if I am overcome by a microsleep, the autonomous control system allows me to take a minute’s nap. The integrated environmentally friendly chemo cassette toilet is also wonderfully convenient.

It is fantastic, sometimes I think I am dreaming. Now I feel more comfortable in my car than in my bed. No comparison! If I can’t sleep at night, I get in, drive around a bit and enjoy the comfort I get. When I finally arrive back at my home garage, I give instructions to activate the reclining position and sleep for a few more hours as if I were in Abraham’s lap.

The morning begins with gentle tones and a full body massage. I find out blood pressure, pulse rate, temperature and weather forecast, shave, freshen up and during breakfast with toast and exquisite jams I watch the morning news. I use my apartment, which has been reduced to a minimum, almost exclusively for changing clothes and occasional showers. On the way to the office I call up my mailbox and take care of the most important correspondence, including the one or other phone call. Having arrived, I find it unspeakably difficult to get out every time.

I have to admit that I can no longer imagine my life without my fully networked, fully serviced E-Spectra-Solosolar P. Can you possibly understand that? I want to encourage you, because that’s the future!

See also KenFM in conversation with Wolfgang Bittner: https://kenfm.de/wolfgang-bittner-die-abschaffung-der-demokratie/

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Thanks to the author for the right to publish.

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Picture source: simona pilolla 2 / shutterstock

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